Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I know many books which have bored their readers, but I know of none which has done real evil.

I read the ‚Old Testament‘ all the way through when I was about 13 and was horrified. A few months afterwards I read ‚The Origin Of Species‘, hallucinating very mildly because I was in bed with flu at the time. Despite that, or because of that, it all made perfect sense.

When people are connected, we can just do some great things. They have the opportunity to get access to jobs, education, health, communications. We have the opportunity to bring the people we care about closer to us. It really makes a big difference.

Reading isn’t good for a ballplayer. Not good for his eyes. If my eyes went bad even a little bit I couldn’t hit home runs. So I gave up reading.

Take my wife… Please!

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Use your health, even to the point of wearing it out. That is what it is for. Spend all you have before you die; do not outlive yourself.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

I spent much of my childhood in northern Quebec, and often there was no radio, no television – there wasn’t a lot to entertain us. When it rained, I stayed inside reading, writing, drawing.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

I like to read books. I like to listen to music.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, or who had ever been alive.

The problem isn’t that Johnny can’t read. The problem isn’t even that Johnny can’t think. The problem is that Johnny doesn’t know what thinking is; he confuses it with feeling.

I’ve been reading tabloids since I was nine. I love a good story.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

Distrust and caution are the parents of security.

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

Let me ask you a question: If you never ate a balanced diet, what would happen to your body? You know the answer: Eventually you’d grow weak; you might even open yourself to serious illness or disease. We all need a balanced diet if we are to stay healthy.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

The healthiest competition occurs when average people win by putting above average effort.

In books lies the soul of the whole past time.

I am an Addictive Personality, they say, a natural slave to passion – and many Doctors have warned me against it. I am a High-risk Patient.

Every once in a while I get the highly inappropriate proposal which is like, ‚Wow, Really! You don’t even know me and I don’t know you at all, and you want that to happen? Tonight? Ok, I get off work at 7.30.‘

Sleeping is no mean art: for its sake one must stay awake all day.

Books are alive, you see. They’re not dead, they’re alive.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

My gold, my money couldn’t stop cancer from appearing on my body. If they can’t save me, then I don’t need them.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

A feeble body weakens the mind.

Learning is the beginning of wealth. Learning is the beginning of health. Learning is the beginning of spirituality. Searching and learning is where the miracle process all begins.

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‚How to Build a Boat.‘

The gods too are fond of a joke.

I think it’s good for a woman to put on a bit of weight when she gets older – it looks better. But a man has to stay balanced.

Stand-up is hard.

The things I want to know are in books; my best friend is the man who’ll get me a book I ain’t read.

Gambling can turn into a dangerous two-way street when you least expect it. Weird things happen suddenly, and your life can go all to pieces.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I’ve only wanted paper and beautiful colors. It was my dream, and it still is my dream. And books. They’re all I need, and the rest I can do without.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

The difference between a stranger sending you a message that you might be interested in at a very low volume level, no repetition, just sending it to very few people, and that being done as spam – those things get close enough that you want to be careful never to filter out something that’s legitimate.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

I am not a speed reader. I am a speed understander.

‚Mystic River‘ just smelled interesting to me. So I read it and liked it right away. Even the dialogue in it was great.

I specifically did not read other First Ladies‘ books, because I didn’t want to be influenced by how they defined the role. I knew that I would have to find this role – very uniquely and specifically to me and who I was.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

I sometimes wish I were suffering in a good cause, or risking my life for the good of others, instead of just being a gravely endangered patient.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

It is what you read when you don’t have to that determines what you will be when you can’t help it.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

Worry – a God, invisible but omnipotent. It steals the bloom from the cheek and lightness from the pulse; it takes away the appetite, and turns the hair gray.