Every once in a while I get the highly inappropriate proposal which is like, ‚Wow, Really! You don’t even know me and I don’t know you at all, and you want that to happen? Tonight? Ok, I get off work at 7.30.‘

Absolutely not. I have no problem with commitment. In fact, I love having someone in my life.

Every man needs slaves like he needs clean air. To rule is to breathe, is it not? And even the most disenfranchised get to breathe. The lowest on the social scale have their spouses or their children.

To love someone means to see him as God intended him.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

At school I pretended I had a normal life, but I felt lonely all the time and different from everyone else. I never felt like I fit in, and I wasn’t allowed to participate in after-school activities, go to sports events or parties or date boys. Many times I had to make up stories about why I couldn’t do anything with my classmates.

I’m just a friendly person; that runs in my family.

A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party; there is no battle unless there be two.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

True friends stab you in the front.

What sweetness is left in life, if you take away friendship? Robbing life of friendship is like robbing the world of the sun. A true friend is more to be esteemed than kinsfolk.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

Family and friendships are two of the greatest facilitators of happiness.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

The worst solitude is to have no real friendships.

For what Harley Street specialist has time to understand the body, let alone the mind or both in combination, when he is a slave to thirteen thousand a year?

I don’t like people going behind my back.

It is a true rule that love is ever rewarded, either with the reciproque or with an inward and secret contempt.

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

If you remember me, then I don’t care if everyone else forgets.

In all our contacts it is probably the sense of being really needed and wanted which gives us the greatest satisfaction and creates the most lasting bond.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

My fans saw me get engaged, saw me make that woman my wife, me having kids, me divorcing, me talking about divorce before the divorce, me talking about my kids‘ reaction to that divorce.

My wife told me if there is any rumors about me, it better be about politics and not about my social life.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

Romance should never begin with sentiment. It should begin with science and end with a settlement.

One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.

Why can’t I just eat my waffle?

You can draw inspiration from anything. If you’re a good storyteller, you can take a dirty look somebody gives you, or if a guy you used to have flirtations with starts dating a new girl, or somebody you’re casually talking to says something that makes you so mad – you can create an entire scenario around that.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

I don’t sleep much. I don’t sleep much – I work, I work, I work.

Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.

My wife doesn’t even want to spend 2 hours with me.

As soon as I go out into the world, I belong, in a way, to everyone else. It’s legal to follow me. It’s legal to stalk me at the beach. And I can’t call the police or ask them to leave.

He who is cruel to animals becomes hard also in his dealings with men. We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals.

I have lived and slept in the same bed with English countesses and Prussian farm women… no woman has excited passions among women more than I have.

Our affections as well as our bodies are in perpetual flux.

When you have nobody you can make a cup of tea for, when nobody needs you, that’s when I think life is over.

Work ends up dehumanizing people.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

If I get married, I want to be very married.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.

To be a successful father… there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.

The more I grow in popularity, the lonelier it gets. Because you don’t really know me. You just know this part of me. You fell in love with that. But it’s way more intricate than what meets the surface.

There is a sort of jealousy which needs very little fire; it is hardly a passion, but a blight bred in the cloudy, damp despondency of uneasy egoism.

Wit is educated insolence.

The average Hollywood film star’s ambition is to be admired by an American, courted by an Italian, married to an Englishman and have a French boyfriend.

A man will speedily sit down and sympathize with a friend’s griefs, but if he sees him honored and esteemed, he is apt to regard him as a rival and does not so readily rejoice with him. This ought not to be; without effort, we ought to be happy in our brother’s happiness.

The royal road to a man’s heart is to talk to him about the things he treasures most.

Few are drawn to the person whom others avoid and neglect; people gather around those who have already attracted interest.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‚What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!‘

I just think it’s so important not to take yourself too seriously.

We make our friends; we make our enemies; but God makes our next door neighbour.

Understanding is a two-way street.