Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

The fundamental cause of the trouble is that in the modern world the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt.

A lot of truth is said in jest.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

Our lifetime may be the last that will be lived out in a technological society.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

To run away from trouble is a form of cowardice and, while it is true that the suicide braves death, he does it not for some noble object but to escape some ill.

The coward wretch whose hand and heart Can bear to torture aught below, Is ever first to quail and start From the slightest pain or equal foe.

Industry need not wish.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

I think the materialist conception of history is valid.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

Well, when you come down to it, I don’t see that a reporter could do much to a president, do you?

Although the big word on the left is ‚compassion,‘ the big agenda on the left is dependency.

If a victory is told in detail, one can no longer distinguish it from a defeat.

Philosophy is common sense with big words.

In no instance have… the churches been guardians of the liberties of the people.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‚Where’s the self-help section?‘ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.

A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

My husband says I look like a Q-tip.

There are two bowlers who I think are very tough to play against – Dale Steyn and Morne Morkel.

We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

I just think it’s so important not to take yourself too seriously.

There is no just and serene criticism as yet.

It’s not a coincidence that in the Scriptures, poverty is mentioned more than 2,100 times. It’s not an accident. That’s a lot of air time, 2,100 mentions.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Cobb is a prick. But he sure can hit. God Almighty, that man can hit.

It’s not simply to say, ‚My colleagues are wrong, and I would do it this way,‘ but the greatest dissents do become court opinions.