I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

I wanna thank MTV and the VMAs for choosing me to be a part of the show because, on this show, if you not an icon or upcomin‘ icon, you’re not on the show, you know?

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

Fame is like a river, that beareth up things light and swollen, and drowns things weighty and solid.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

Actions are visible, though motives are secret.

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

There’s Madeleine, and then there’s ‚Madeleine Albright‘. And I sometimes kind of think, who is this person? Once you become ‚Madeleine Albright‘ it doesn’t go away.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

I don’t watch television and I rarely go to the cinema, but I recently watched ‚The King’s Speech‘ on a flight. It was so beautiful and so simple.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

Stand-up is my baby.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

It confuses me and disappoints me when somebody says, ‚What does he do? What does he do?‘ My records are some of the biggest anthems ever. What do you think, they magically just appear? Obama walked out to my record.

I think the 24-hour news cycle has helped exaggerate the differences between the parties. You can always find someone on TV somewhere carping about something. That didn’t happen 20 years ago.

My daughter doesn’t even get my humor. She’s like, ‚Um, no. I don’t get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.‘

I never said I was the best in anything. I never said I’m an icon. The world decides all of that.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

Racism and sexism, misogyny and homophobia, they’re so visible. They’re out in the open. When they’re visible, it’s a lot easier to deal with them.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

Sometimes, wearing a scarf and a polo coat and no makeup and with a certain attitude of walking, I go shopping or just look at people living. But then, you know, there will be a few teenagers who are kind of sharp, and they’ll say, ‚Hey, just a minute. You know who I think that is?‘ And they’ll start tailing me. And I don’t mind.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

All I can do is try to create my own brand and have people appreciate me for that.

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

If I’d married someone in show business, there’d be too much competition.

Sometimes you recognize that there is a category of human experience that has not been identified but everyone knows about it. That is when I find a term to describe it.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, ‚Dang, she looks good for her age!‘

We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

In Hollywood, a lot of times when something is in development, it just takes a lot of time.

I’m not a chick-flick enthusiast.

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

I think I have always had a little humor.

A film is sort of binary – it either works or it doesn’t work. It has nothing to do with how good a job you do. If you bring it up to an adequate level where the audience goes with the movie, then it works, that is all.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

I meet young people who know me and are familiar with my stuff. They know the package. They might have cherry-picked five or six key tunes. That’s how it seems to work. I sometimes wonder if they realise they are not getting the whole context.

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.