I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

If I close my eyes and think of Hollywood, all I see is one big varicose vein.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Those who don’t know how to weep with their whole heart, don’t know how to laugh either.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

When the first big paycheque with ‚Dumb And Dumber‘ hit, I went: ‚Gosh, I wonder if this will affect my performance. Will I do a take and think, was that worth $7 million?‘ But that never happened. If anything, it made me rebel against that thing when people who get rich start playing it safe.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

I wear a hat on stage so that people won’t be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don’t wear a hat, there’s no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

One can know a man from his laugh, and if you like a man’s laugh before you know anything of him, you may confidently say that he is a good man.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

What’s so beautiful about Miami is that we support each other. We’re just one big family, not just the entertainers, just everyone in general.

When you walk out onstage in front of 65,000 people, it can bring you to tears.

Actors are one family over the entire world.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

Attitude and enthusiasm play a big part in my life. I get excited about the things that inspire me. I also believe in laughing and having a good time.

You can’t deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.

I think, first of all, I don’t think people understand Ice Cube’s body of work. Ice Cube is a, and I hate to use the word ‚urban‘ but – when you think of Judd Apatow, and a person who’s launched so many careers, Ice Cube has done that for so many comedians, you know?

I now have two different audiences. There’s the one that has been watching my action films for 20 years, and the American family audience. American jokes, less fighting.

Too much TV hurts movies.

In Los Angeles, everyone is a star.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

He has achieved success who has worked well, laughed often, and loved much.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

There is little success where there is little laughter.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone’s grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I’ve seen too many ups and downs in the movie industry.

I’m standing behind a wall of jokes. You don’t know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I’m not on the road. There’s this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don’t know anything about me.

You’ve gotta understand that with branding and the way things are promoted, in our day and age, your older movie stars are not reachable or accessible because they’re not a part of the whole social media world.

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

I could fall in love with a sumo wrestler if he told stories and made me laugh. Obviously, it would be easier if someone was African-American and lived next door and went to the same church. Because then I wouldn’t have to translate.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

It’s really fun to be on stage in front of people.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

I was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn’t know what to do with me.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

I want to be an executive producer.

I did the Ed Sullivan show four times. I did the Steve Allen show. I did the Jackie Gleason show.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.