I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

I made a decision when my father passed away that I was going to be who God made me to be and not try to preach like my father.

I believe in believing. My coach John Kavanagh is a big atheist, and he is always trying to persuade people to his way of thinking, and I think, ‚What a waste of energy.‘ If people want to believe in this god or that god, that’s fine by me; believe away. But I think we can be our own gods. I believe in myself.

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

When you put on a uniform, there are certain inhibitions that you accept.

The image is one thing and the human being is another. It’s very hard to live up to an image, put it that way.

In a sense I portray myself in a very androgynous way, and I love androgyny.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

When I arrived, at first a lot of people were like, ‚This kid is different.‘

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

I thought one should have the attitude of ‚What do you care what other people think!‘

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

It seemed like a very small possibility for me to become an artist. I didn’t have the need to be on the stage; I didn’t feel the need to be heard. I just needed to write.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

What’s wrong with being a boring kind of guy?

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

As an adolescent, I was painfully shy, withdrawn. I didn’t really have the nerve to sing my songs on stage, and nobody else was doing them. I decided to do them in disguise so that I didn’t have to actually go through the humiliation of going on stage and being myself.

If you gonna wear the mohawk, you stick with it. You don’t just be dibby-dabbing. You make up your mind.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

I never desired to please the rabble. What pleased them, I did not learn; and what I knew was far removed from their understanding.

Stand-up is my baby.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

You are remembered for the rules you break.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

I don’t want followers.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

There is much to support the view that it is clothes that wear us, and not we, them; we may make them take the mould of arm or breast, but they mould our hearts, our brains, our tongues to their liking.

I love making music. That’s what I love to do. So I don’t feel like there’s any need to take a break unless I want to.

You make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.

Like Frank Sinatra, I’m doing it my way.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

All the knowledge I possess everyone else can acquire, but my heart is all my own.

I feel like the reason people feel like they know me is because I’m giving you myself in the music. There’s where the connection comes from; you can’t Twitter that.

And were an epitaph to be my story I’d have a short one ready for my own. I would have written of me on my stone: I had a lover’s quarrel with the world.

A person who is truly authentic doesn’t need to play a role in life, we think, but can simply be him – or herself.

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

Man as an individual is a genius. But men in the mass form the headless monster, a great, brutish idiot that goes where prodded.

I write for the same reason I breathe – because if I didn’t, I would die.

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

We all want to be famous people, and the moment we want to be something we are no longer free.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

I’d rather tell you how I really feel.

Whenever I make music, it reflects where I’m at mentally.

I’m no natural beauty. If I’m gonna have any looks at all, I’m gonna have to create them.

With all singers, insecurity is your best security. That’s why we’re such loud people and why we walk all funny. You think, ‚Are people interested?‘ But I think our band has something and they know we don’t just put albums out. We do think about it.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

If I’m in a bad mood, or if I’m uncomfortable, it’s probably what I’m wearing that’s making me feel that way.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

Understand: as children and young adults, we are taught to conform to certain codes of behavior and ways of doing things. We learn that being different comes with a social price.

‚Discworld‘ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

Take my wife… Please!

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

I’m just trying to be myself. I’m not trying to be anyone else.