I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

When I was in my teens I had issues with OCD.

Skype actually does get a fair bit of revenue.

Always make those above you feel comfortably superior. In your desire to please or impress them, do not go too far in displaying your talents or you might accomplish the opposite – inspire fear and insecurity.

Speeches that are measured by the hour will die with the hour.

I’m trying to make God more relevant in our society. And I think talking in everyday terms and making sure people can understand it – I think that’s important.

The secret to the movie business, or any business, is to get a good education in a subject besides film – whether it’s history, psychology, economics, or architecture – so you have something to make a movie about. All the skill in the world isn’t going to help you unless you have something to say.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

It is hardly an exaggeration to say that oral teachers and sign teachers found it difficult to sit down in the same room without quarreling, and there was intolerance upon both sides. To say ‚oral method‘ to a sign teacher was like waving a red flag in the face of a bull, and to say ‚sign language‘ to an oralist aroused the deepest resentment.

Me is a common sense man. That mean when me explain things, me explain it in a very simple way; that mean if I explain it to a baby, the baby will understand too, you know.

Time was when they that feared the Lord spake often to one another; I am afraid that now they more often speak one against another.

I wanted to be a doctor that I might be able to work without having to talk because for years I had been giving myself out in words.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

If you want peace, you don’t talk to your friends. You talk to your enemies.

Being politically correct means saying what’s polite rather than what’s accurate. I like to be accurate.

Better understated than overstated. Let people be surprised that it was more than you promised and easier than you said.

I was also a junior and I know how you learn from seniors, that’s how you follow. Speeches don’t work.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words.

Letters are something from you. It’s a different kind of intention than writing an e-mail.

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

I’m actually a very honest person, and sometimes I end up like, ‚Man, I said too much.‘ It’s hard for me not to tell the truth when you ask me.

When you really listen to another person from their point of view, and reflect back to them that understanding, it’s like giving them emotional oxygen.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

The happiest conversation is that of which nothing is distinctly remembered, but a general effect of pleasing impression.

I think humans are just hard-wired to process people’s faces and understand meaning and expression at such a more granular level than other types of communication.

Silence is one of the great arts of conversation.

My name can’t be that tough to pronounce!

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

I like the way the stories of my relationships sound to music more than the way they look in print, in gossip columns or in me talking about them in interviews. I think it’s a better way of telling the stories.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

Journalism makes you think fast. You have to speak to people in all walks of life. Especially local journalism.

In the early days of the military Arpanet, my daughter was studying in Nicaragua. Because the U.S. was essentially at war with them, contact was difficult. I managed to use MIT’s Arpanet connection, and she found one, so we could communicate thanks to the Pentagon!

People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order so they’ll have good voice boxes in case there’s ever anything really meaningful to say.

If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

Speaking English is like tongue-twist for me. I can speak each word perfect, but then you have to string them together like, ‚Blah, blah, blah.‘ That’s when I get crazy.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

If you can’t answer a man’s arguments, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

Any fact that needs to be disclosed should be put out now or as quickly as possible, because otherwise the bleeding will not end.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

I don’t mind how much my Ministers talk, so long as they do what I say.

Coffee is a language in itself.