My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

If you love something – and there are things that I love – you do want more and more and more of it, but that’s not the way to produce good work.

The healthy man does not torture others – generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

A little bit of mercy makes the world less cold and more just.

It doesn’t matter if you want to be a teacher, an astronaut, or a reggaeton singer, you need to study.

I’ve made money, and I’ve been ripped off. I’ve had creative freedom, and I’ve been pressured to make hits. I have dealt with diva behavior from crazy musicians, and I have seen genius records by wonderful artists get completely ignored. I love music. I always will.

Honestly, I never really put the mic down.

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

A lot of truth is said in jest.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

I do things I love doing. Sometimes that is maybe going out to have a drink with friends, going out partying or whatever.

Success in its highest and noblest form calls for peace of mind and enjoyment and happiness which come only to the man who has found the work that he likes best.

A physician is not angry at the intemperance of a mad patient, nor does he take it ill to be railed at by a man in fever. Just so should a wise man treat all mankind, as a physician does his patient, and look upon them only as sick and extravagant.

A lot of people can’t stand touring but to me it’s like breathing. I do it because I’m driven to do it.

If I decide to make a coat red in the show, it’s not just red, I think: is it communist red? Is it cherry cordial? Is it ruby red? Or is it apple red? Or the big red balloon red?

I love making music. That’s what I love to do. So I don’t feel like there’s any need to take a break unless I want to.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

To be honest with you, when I got into this I never thought about reviews. I never thought about what people would say about me. I was just a young guy who was excited to become a comedian and an actor and I just wanted to get to do what I got to do.

I wouldn’t wanna go out not looking like the Dolly people have come to know, because I’ve come to know her that way, too.

I feel like if you’re a really good human being, you can try to find something beautiful in every single person, no matter what.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

When things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

Each one of them is Jesus in disguise.

The French complain of everything, and always.

We know but a few men, a great many coats and breeches.

I just really believe people have to get hungry. I think maybe what we need to do, instead of trying to stuff our beliefs down people’s throats, is just pray for them to really be hungry and to see their neediness.

If you want what you’re saying heard, then take your time and say it so that the listener will actually hear it. You might save somebody’s life. Your own, first.

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

Anyone who is practicing understanding and compassion can exemplify true power. Anyone can be a Buddha.

WWE is a space where I thrived, and I loved, and I still do. I love connecting with an audience; that is the greatest thing about going back to WWE.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Just like every person who works for Dortmund is a fan of the club, it was the same at Mainz. When I was a player there, we had 800 supporters on rainy Saturday afternoons, and if we died, no one would notice or come to our funeral. But we loved the club, and we have this same feeling at Dortmund.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

The middle class is so funny, it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

It’s that wonderful old-fashioned idea that others come first and you come second. This was the whole ethic by which I was brought up. Others matter more than you do, so ‚don’t fuss, dear; get on with it.‘

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

There are some cases in which the sense of injury breeds not the will to inflict injuries and climb over them as a ladder, but a hatred of all injury.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

I loved writing for kids, I loved talking to children about what I’d written, I don’t want to leave that behind.

When you seek the presence of your creative Spirit and are filled with passion about virtually everything you undertake, you’ll successfully remove the roadblocks from your life and enjoy the active presence of Spirit.

I think technology really increased human ability. But technology cannot produce compassion.

I’m born with a pencil in my hand. I did lots of sketching.

In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.

Baseball was, is and always will be to me the best game in the world.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

The answer to all writing, to any career for that matter, is love.

I would get out of school and go straight to my computer to create beats.

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

You have to understand that people that are hurting are going to criticize.