Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

It is an unfortunate human failing that a full pocketbook often groans more loudly than an empty stomach.

A vigorous temper is not altogether an evil. Men who are easy as an old shoe are generally of little worth.

Of the billionaires I have known, money just brings out the basic traits in them. If they were jerks before they had money, they are simply jerks with a billion dollars.

I have a very good family. I’m very fortunate to have a very good family. I believe very strongly in the family. It’s one of the things we have in our platform, is to talk about it.

We should take care not to make the intellect our goal; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

I mean, families are weird.

I’m an absolutely normal guy.

Morality is the basis of things and truth is the substance of all morality.

By a lie, a man… annihilates his dignity as a man.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

What is permissible is not always honorable.

One hearty laugh together will bring enemies into a closer communion of heart than hours spent on both sides in inward wrestling with the mental demon of uncharitable feeling.

While we should never give up our principles, we must also realize that we cannot maintain our principles unless we survive.

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Train up a child in the way that he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

In the end, everything is a gag.

Stand-up is hard.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

The just is close to the people’s heart, but the merciful is close to the heart of God.

We have to rediscover the eternal values and then live them out.

When a man laughs at his troubles he loses a great many friends. They never forgive the loss of their prerogative.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

He who laughs best today, will also laughs last.

Getting money is not all a man’s business: to cultivate kindness is a valuable part of the business of life.

No amount of ability is of the slightest avail without honor.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

I die adoring God, loving my friends, not hating my enemies, and detesting superstition.

The supreme quality for leadership is unquestionably integrity. Without it, no real success is possible, no matter whether it is on a section gang, a football field, in an army, or in an office.

For me, money is not my definition of success. Inspiring people is a definition of success.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Each of us has a vision of good and of evil. We have to encourage people to move towards what they think is good… Everyone has his own idea of good and evil and must choose to follow the good and fight evil as he conceives them. That would be enough to make the world a better place.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Among the many values in life, I appreciate freedom most.

Money can’t buy life.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Cowardice asks the question, is it safe? Expediency asks the question, is it politic? Vanity asks the question, is it popular? But conscience asks the question, is it right? And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but one must take it because it is right.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

When the kids are laughing in the audience, I tear up, I’m so happy I did a nice thing.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

On some positions, Cowardice asks the question, ‚Is it safe?‘ Expediency asks the question, ‚Is it politic?‘ And Vanity comes along and asks the question, ‚Is it popular?‘ But Conscience asks the question, ‚Is it right?‘

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.