People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, ‚A house guest,‘ you’re wrong because I have just described my kids.

It was as if all of the happiness, all of the magic of this blissful hour had flowed together into these stirring, bittersweet tones and flowed away, becoming temporal and transitory once more.

Who is rich? He that rejoices in his portion.

If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

Happiness is neither without us nor within us. It is in God, both without us and within us.

The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

A happy family is but an earlier heaven.

Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.

No better way is there to learn to love Nature than to understand Art. It dignifies every flower of the field. And, the boy who sees the thing of beauty which a bird on the wing becomes when transferred to wood or canvas will probably not throw the customary stone.

A sincere and steadfast co-operation in promoting such a reconstruction of our political system as would provide for the permanent liberty and happiness of the United States.

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science.

Everything we touch in our daily lives, including our body, is a miracle. By putting the kingdom of god in the right place, it shows us it is possible to live happily right here, right now.

Here ends my forever memorable first High Sierra excursion. I have crossed the Range of Light, surely the brightest and best of all the Lord has built. And, rejoicing in its glory, I gladly, gratefully, hopefully pray I may see it again.

I think that success is having fun.

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.

Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul.

A lot of good love can happen in ten years.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

I’d like to think you don’t stop being creative once you get happy.

I am growing handsome very fast indeed! I expect I shall be the belle of Amherst when I reach my 17th year. I don’t doubt that I shall have perfect crowds of admirers at that age. Then how I shall delight to make them await my bidding, and with what delight shall I witness their suspense while I make my final decision.

Happiness is not being pained in body or troubled in mind.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

Life, if well lived, is long enough.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

Our words will either bring life and victory or death and destruction. If we want to be happy, we have to be serious about speaking words of life that line up with God’s Word.

The French complain of everything, and always.

I will never be happy without having someone. Going to sleep alone kills me.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

Truthful words are not beautiful; beautiful words are not truthful. Good words are not persuasive; persuasive words are not good.

Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful, for beauty is God’s handwriting.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

Happiness can exist only in acceptance.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

When you’re 25 or 30, you know, you can’t wear lime-green eye shadow anymore.

I really didn’t consider myself happy or unhappy.

When I admire the wonders of a sunset or the beauty of the moon, my soul expands in the worship of the creator.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

If you like it you should enjoy it! Moderation in everything. If there’s things you really love, you should enjoy. You get one life, so you should enjoy it.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

If you get to my age in life and nobody thinks well of you, I don’t care how big your bank account is, your life is a disaster.

In judging of a beautiful statue, the aesthetic faculty is absolutely and completely gratified by the splendid curves of those marble lips that are dumb to our complaint, the noble modelling of those limbs that are powerless to help us.

Wit is educated insolence.

I think everyone should be with who they love.

If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

Human subtlety will never devise an invention more beautiful, more simple or more direct than does nature because in her inventions nothing is lacking, and nothing is superfluous.

America is a poem in our eyes; its ample geography dazzles the imagination, and it will not wait long for metres.

Life in abundance comes only through great love.

The care of human life and happiness, and not their destruction, is the first and only object of good government.