The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

I had a good time boxing. I enjoyed it – and I may come back.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.

My opinion can be completely different after a show.

I think that if I would talk on a political subject, if I talk about it, it would divide the audience on that issue. That’s not my issue.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wild Life.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

‚Best Man Holiday‘ was a very successful film.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.

I learned from the guys before me – Bill Cosby, Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, Richard Pryor, just to name a few. These are guys that let it all hang out. What they lived is what they took to the stage.

I want to give people a taste of the Caribbean, and show them the fun side of me.

And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh.

Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.

I know that if I had a television in my flat I would convince myself that everything on it was really interesting. I would say, ‚I’m a Celebrity – Get Me Out of Here!‘ is so sociologically fascinating that I think I’d better watch.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

I think music is something that can, and should, be used to get you into different things because eventually what goes up must come down – we’re not going to be the number one group in the world forever – so you have to have something else to fall back on.

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

When I joined Nirvana, I was the fifth or sixth drummer – I don’t know if they’d ever had a drummer they were totally happy with. And they were strangers. There was never much of a deeper connection outside of the music.

I have a lot of friends who do what I do. Either they’re actresses or singers or things like that.

Disneyland is the star, everything else is in the supporting role.

There are many harsh lessons to be learned from the gambling experience, but the harshest one of all is the difference between having Fun and being Smart.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

Give a child love, laughter and peace, not AIDS.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell – you see, I have friends in both places.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

I’ve had the honor of speaking at many commencements.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

I think television has had a vast, unbelievable impact on us.

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

Social media has given us this idea that we should all have a posse of friends when in reality, if we have one or two really good friends, we are lucky.

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Some of my foster families used to send me to the movies to get me out of the house and there I’d sit all day and way into the night. Up in front, there with the screen so big, a little kid all alone, and I loved it. I loved anything that moved up there and I didn’t miss anything that happened and there was no popcorn either.

I have had fun being who I became, so to speak.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don’t get that.

I am confident that nobody… will accuse me of selfishness if I ask to spend time, while I am still in good health, with my family, my friends and also with myself.

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

I’ve had a lot of ridiculous haircuts.

When I speak at my local church, which I try to do 35 to 40 times a year, I try in every lesson to take the Old Testament text or New Testament text and apply them to what is happening to me or how that applies to the audience that I’m teaching in a modern, fast-changing, technological world. I use headlines, interfaith and that sort of thing.