The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

Until you have cultivated the habit of saying some kind word of those whom you do not admire, you will be neither successful nor happy.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

The only way to get love is to be lovable. It’s very irritating if you have a lot of money. You’d like to think you could write a check: ‚I’ll buy a million dollars‘ worth of love.‘ But it doesn’t work that way. The more you give love away, the more you get.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‚father.‘

Laughter is America’s most important export.

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

We hand folks over to God’s mercy, and show none ourselves.

The wise man does not lay up his own treasures. The more he gives to others, the more he has for his own.

If we don’t plant the right things, we will reap the wrong things. It goes without saying. And you don’t have to be, you know, a brilliant biochemist and you don’t have to have an IQ of 150. Just common sense tells you to be kind, ninny, fool. Be kind.

I almost laughed about the Machiavellian plans of the presidents of the United States.

I like to give back.

Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth.

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

You give before you get.

Bears are very nice, as long as you are nice to them.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.

Love other human beings as you would love yourself.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

In the end, everything is a gag.

We can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

For a tear is quickly dried, especially when shed for the misfortunes of others.

We cannot always oblige; but we can always speak obligingly.

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

Remember that a gesture of friendship, no matter how small, is always appreciated.

I think that, ah, I’m a very goofy sort of person in many ways.

The Hindus are some of the nicest people you’ll ever meet.

I was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn’t know what to do with me.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‚The Colour of Magic‘ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‚The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.‘

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

We shall never know all the good that a simple smile can do.

I make decisions all day, so it’s nice for a woman like me to go to dinner and have the man take the menu and say, ‚Let me order.‘ Other women would be offended by that, but I’m like, ‚Good. Because I can’t make one more decision today.‘ I want someone to rub my feet without being asked.

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

Well, they’re Southern people, and if they know you are working at home they think nothing of walking right in for coffee. But they wouldn’t dream of interrupting you at golf.

He that does good to another does good also to himself.

The value of a man should be seen in what he gives and not in what he is able to receive.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

Comedy’s about opening up and being unique, but to a point where the audience can relate to what you’re saying.