The more cats you have, the longer you live. If you have a hundred cats, you’ll live 10 times longer than if you have 10. Someday this will be discovered, and people will have a thousand cats and live forever. It’s truly ridiculous.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

I was ill, and everyone could see it but me.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

I want to keep making records as long as I can, but I don’t know how long you can be taken seriously in rap.

Medicine is the restoration of discordant elements; sickness is the discord of the elements infused into the living body.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

Ninety percent of the cases of polio are in security-vulnerable areas.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

When Brexiters told the public that people were exaggerating, that there would be a financial meltdown, I think it’s been proven that they were not exaggerating.

I’ve tried to reduce profanity but I reduced so much profanity when writing the book that I’m afraid not much could come out. Perhaps we will have to consider it simply as a profane book and hope that the next book will be less profane or perhaps more sacred.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

Laughter is America’s most important export.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one’s family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one’s own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

I don’t think the ebbs and flows – get in great shape and then get out of shape and then see if you can get back into shape – is a good thing. So I prefer to keep my arm always ready to go.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

You cannot share your life with a dog, as I had done in Bournemouth, or a cat, and not know perfectly well that animals have personalities and minds and feelings.

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

I was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn’t know what to do with me.

Use your health, even to the point of wearing it out. That is what it is for. Spend all you have before you die; do not outlive yourself.

Whenever I want to laugh, I read a wonderful book, ‚Children’s Letters to God.‘ You can open it anywhere. One I read recently said, ‚Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.‘

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.

I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

Give a man health and a course to steer, and he’ll never stop to trouble about whether he’s happy or not.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

I would venture to guess that Anon, who wrote so many poems without signing them, was often a woman.

I take my sleep very, very important.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

Living indoors without fresh air quickly poisons the blood and makes people feel tired and seedy when they don’t know why. For myself, I sleep out of doors in winter as well as summer. I only feel tired or seedy when I have been indoors a lot. I only catch cold when I sleep in a room.