There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

There is more of good nature than of good sense at the bottom of most marriages.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

The poor have sometimes objected to being governed badly; the rich have always objected to being governed at all.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

A leader in the Democratic Party is a boss, in the Republican Party he is a leader.

No man should be in politics unless he would honestly rather not be there.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

By disgracing and degrading the presidency of the United States, by fleeing the White House like a diseased cur, Richard Nixon broke the heart of the American Dream.

I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

All impeachments, I guess, are political.

In a country well governed, poverty is something to be ashamed of. In a country badly governed, wealth is something to be ashamed of.

There is but one way for a president to deal with Congress, and that is continuously, incessantly, and without interruption. If it is really going to work, the relationship has got to be almost incestuous.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

All the political angst and moral melodrama about getting ‚the rich‘ to pay ‚their fair share‘ is part of a big charade. This is not about economics, it is about politics.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

I would like to be the chronicler of something that I think is going down the drain very swiftly, and that is small-town, middle-class southern life.

I would rather drink weedkiller than support Obamacare.

There are seasons in every country when noise and impudence pass current for worth; and in popular commotions especially, the clamors of interested and factious men are often mistaken for patriotism.

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

I am neither bitter nor cynical but I do wish there was less immaturity in political thinking.

People are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Turkey must find its place if, of course, it can heal its internal sores, and none is more malignant than the perennial Kurdish issue.

Political courage is not political suicide.

I stay out of politics because if I begin thinking too much about politics, I’ll probably… drop writing children’s books and become a political cartoonist again.

The U.S. and its allies will do anything they can to prevent authentic democracy in the Arab world.

I seldom think of politics more than eighteen hours a day.

One of the things being in politics has taught me is that men are not a reasoned or reasonable sex.

A faction willing to take the risks of making war on the ossified status quo in the Middle East can be described as many things, but not as conservative.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

To some degree it matters who’s in office, but it matters more how much pressure they’re under from the public.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

Socialism is the same as Communism, only better English.

Hillary doesn’t play. She has more experience and exposure to the presidency than any candidate in our lifetime – yes, more than Barack, more than Bill. So she is absolutely ready to be Commander-in-Chief on day one. And, yes, she happens to be a woman.

Actually, to be an effective person politically in this country, I think you have to be thirty or over, and also you have to be rich, well-placed, you have to be close to power. And I don’t think that young people, because they look young, can do much, as I think they are counterproductive.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

The U.S.S.R. had absolutely nothing to do with the triumph of the Cuban Revolution.

I do have a political agenda. It’s to have as few regulations as possible.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

Democracy is only a dream: it should be put in the same category as Arcadia, Santa Claus, and Heaven.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

For the first time in my adult lifetime, I am really proud of my country. And not just because Barack has done well, but because I think people are hungry for change. And I have been desperate to see our country moving in that direction.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

Every time I hear a politician mention the word ‚stimulus,‘ my mind flashes back to high school biology class, when I touched battery wires to a dead frog to make it twitch.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘

When our governments want to sell us a course of action, they do it by making sure it’s the only thing on the agenda, the only thing everyone’s talking about. And they pre-load the ensuing discussion with highly selected images, devious and prejudicial language, dubious linkages, weak or false ‚intelligence‘ and selected ‚leaks.‘

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

Politics, as a practise, whatever its professions, has always been the systematic organization of hatreds.

You begin saving the world by saving one man at a time; all else is grandiose romanticism or politics.

My Democratic friends just can’t accept the fact that the American people chose Donald Trump to be president – it’s called democracy. My advice to them, and I say this gently: Fill out a ‚Hurt Feelings Report‘ and let’s move on.

Fortunately, we have help from the media. I have to say this: I’m very grateful for the support and kindness that we’ve gotten. People have respected their privacy and in that way, I think, you know, no matter what people may feel about my husband’s policies or what have you, they care about children and that’s been good to see.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

There is no gambling like politics.

People make a big fuss over you when you’re President. But I’m very serious about doing everything I can to make sure that it doesn’t go to my head.

Liberals seem to assume that, if you don’t believe in their particular political solutions, then you don’t really care about the people that they claim to want to help.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.