There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: ‚Boy, you are skinny, aren’t you?‘ I said: ‚Honey, I’d like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.‘

You can’t just have slogans, you can’t just have catchy phrases. You have to have an agenda. And I think what the Republican Party has to do, if it’s going to incorporate the tea party efforts in it, is to come up with an agenda that the American people can see, touch, and actually believe in, and something they believe in.

I believe that in every country the people themselves are more peaceably and liberally inclined than their governments.

I think the notion that we have all the democracy that money can buy strays so far from what our democracy is supposed to be.

I will continue to believe that Israel’s security is paramount.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

No part of the education of a politician is more indispensable than the fighting of elections.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

An election is a moral horror, as bad as a battle except for the blood; a mud bath for every soul concerned in it.

The FBI should not be a political body.

And frankly, I don’t understand – I mean, I’m obviously a card-carrying Democrat – but I can’t understand why any woman would want to vote for Mitt Romney, except maybe Mrs. Romney.

I kept a very full diary of my relationship with Nixon, for some strange reason, until he became president.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

Look, when you’re the president, there’s all kinds of things said about us. I mean, it’s just the nature of the job.

A President cannot always be popular.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

Politics, as a practise, whatever its professions, has always been the systematic organization of hatreds.

Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

When Hillary served in the Senate, I saw her work day and night as a member of the Armed Services Committee – working with Republicans and Democrats to keep our military strong and protect our troops and their families.

Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

Well, when you come down to it, I don’t see that a reporter could do much to a president, do you?

Germany has reduced savagery to a science, and this great war for the victorious peace of justice must go on until the German cancer is cut clean out of the world body.

The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield and government to gain ground.

I don’t even know what the issues are. I haven’t paid attention to politics in a long time. It’s actually not something that I really even enjoy. It’s way off my radar.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

War should be the politics of last resort. And when we go to war, we should have a purpose that our people understand and support.

I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered at the White House – with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

I have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

All respect for the office of the presidency aside, I assumed that the obvious and unadulterated decline of freedom and constitutional sovereignty, not to mention the efforts to curb the power of judicial review, spoke for itself.

History shows that, more often than not, loss of sovereignty leads to liberalisation imposed in the interests of the powerful.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

People were asleep, but I think they’re waking up now. Trump has given everybody a good kick, and people are waking up and realizing they’ve got to get involved.

I love being able to be political without any political affiliation.

Experience demands that man is the only animal which devours his own kind, for I can apply no milder term to the general prey of the rich on the poor.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

There’s only one person in this race who will be there, who’s always been there for you, and that’s Hillary Clinton’s life story.

I can’t go out with a Republican.

‚Discworld‘ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

In a time of domestic crisis, men of goodwill and generosity should be able to unite regardless of party or politics.

Most liberals think of civil liberties as their Achilles heel. It isn’t.

The issues that cross a president’s desk are never easy. The easy questions don’t even get to the president.

Government’s first duty is to protect the people, not run their lives.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

The people are hungry: It is because those in authority eat up too much in taxes.

When a new source of taxation is found it never means, in practice, that the old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had one before.

The artist part of me always wants to be appreciated. I read every review. But I never wanted to seek validation by awards or anything controlled by politics.

Every President wants to do right.

Every country is like a particular type of person. America is like a belligerent, adolescent boy; Canada is like an intelligent, 35-year-old woman. Australia is like Jack Nicholson. It comes right up to you and laughs very hard in your face in a highly threatening and engaging manner.