There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‚Yes,‘ you know he is a crook.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

Trust is not the same as faith. A friend is someone you trust. Putting faith in anyone is a mistake.

Most poets are young simply because they have not been caught up. Show me an old poet, and I’ll show you, more often than not, either a madman or a master… it’s when you begin to lie to yourself in a poem in order simply to make a poem that you fail. That is why I do not rework poems.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

One thing about me is I try to be honest.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

It’s a funny old world.

So confident am I in the intentions, as well as wisdom, of the government, that I shall always be satisfied that what is not done, either cannot, or ought not to be done.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

I’ll be honest: I haven’t ruled politics out.

My evidence that I am saved does not lie in the fact that I preach, or that I do this or that. All my hope lies in this: that Jesus Christ came to save sinners. I am a sinner, I trust Him, then He came to save me, and I am saved.

Live truth instead of professing it.

People are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

It’s when you begin to lie to yourself in a poem in order to simply make a poem, that you fail.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

God just has a way of working things out the way he wants to and you have no say in that.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I just think that trusting God means we’re going to have unanswered questions, and God is so much bigger than us, we’re never going to understand them all.

If you believe in prayer at all, expect God to hear you. If you do not expect, you will not have. God will not hear you unless you believe He will hear you; but if you believe He will, He will be as good as your faith.

I don’t think it’s possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

Falsehood is cowardice, the truth courage.

Better a broken promise than none at all.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

I say what I want to say and do what I want to do. There’s no in between. People will either love you for it or hate you for it.

This is the mark of a really admirable man: steadfastness in the face of trouble.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

I promised myself that I would write as well as I can, tell the truth, not to tell everything I know, but to make sure that everything I tell is true, as I understand it. And to use the eloquence which my language affords me.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

Trust men and they will be true to you; treat them greatly and they will show themselves great.

Quality means doing it right when no one is looking.

Drawing is the honesty of the art. There is no possibility of cheating. It is either good or bad.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics.

The fact is that a man who wants to act virtuously in every way necessarily comes to grief among so many who are not virtuous.

Cowardice asks the question, is it safe? Expediency asks the question, is it politic? Vanity asks the question, is it popular? But conscience asks the question, is it right? And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but one must take it because it is right.

Character is always known. Thefts never enrich; alms never impoverish; murder will speak out of stone walls.

I’m not claiming divinity. I’ve never claimed purity of soul. I’ve never claimed to have the answers to life. I only put out songs and answer questions as honestly as I can… But I still believe in peace, love and understanding.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.

Let’s be honest – tracking down, rounding up, and deporting millions of people isn’t realistic. Anyone who suggests otherwise isn’t being straight with you. It’s also not who we are as Americans.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Every man’s reputation proceeds from those of his own household.

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

If every choice you make comes from an honest place, you’re solid, and nothing anybody can say about you can rock you or change your opinion.