humor quotes

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

People are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

My husband says I look like a Q-tip.

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Comedy’s about opening up and being unique, but to a point where the audience can relate to what you’re saying.

Take my wife… Please!

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‚The Colour of Magic‘ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‚The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.‘

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

The book, ’12 Rules For Life,‘ is a very serious book. There’s elements of humor in it, but I’m trying to struggle with things at the deepest possible level and to explain to people why it’s necessary to live a upstanding and noble and moral and truthful and responsible life, and why there’s hell to pay if you don’t do that.

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

‚Discworld‘ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.