What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

What convinces is conviction. Believe in the argument you’re advancing. If you don’t you’re as good as dead. The other person will sense that something isn’t there, and no chain of reasoning, no matter how logical or elegant or brilliant, will win your case for you.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

The ‚Billionaire‘ song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It’s funny.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

If I had never ventured beyond being a stand-up comic, then I would be sitting in my house today working on my Leonardo DiCaprio impression.

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it’s my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn’t really bother me.

I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating – is this the exact right mix? I think that’s – to me it’s anti-comedy. It’s more about PC-nonsense.

Where the senses fail us, reason must step in.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

Comedy isn’t necessarily all dialogue. Think of Buster Keaton: the poker face and all this chaos going on all around him. Sometimes it’s a question of timing, of the proper rhythm.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

I’ve had a lot of ridiculous haircuts.

Friends applaud, the comedy is over.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

There is more of good nature than of good sense at the bottom of most marriages.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

I’m a meathead, man. You’ve got smart people, and you’ve got dumb people. I just happen to be dumb.

Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone’s grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

‚Discworld‘ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

The secret to humor is surprise.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

SNL is a home. You’ve got all of your brothers and sisters there, and it’s a great time.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

I understand that being able to appeal to the public and having an amazing sense of humour is not something that comes easy. It’s definitely a gift and for which I’m thankful.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

I’m pretty laid-back in real life. I just love hanging with my friends and making jokes. The jokes don’t stop – literally, all day.