Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

You don’t sign up for a divorce when you get married. It’s very painful. But it’s taught me a great deal about myself.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

The closest I ever came to getting married was just before I started singing. In fact, my first record saved my neck.

Tell your wife often how terrific she looks.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

In our monogamous part of the world, to marry means to halve one’s rights and double one’s duties.

The fact is that I find more most men are more open, more generous, and much more stimulating than the majority of females I know.

Are you laboring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can’t even lift them.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

I’m a meathead, man. You’ve got smart people, and you’ve got dumb people. I just happen to be dumb.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Arthur Miller wouldn’t have married me if I had been nothing but a dumb blonde.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.

Marriage destroyed my relationship with two wonderful men.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

The male, for all his bravado and exploration, is the loyal one, the one who generally feels love. The female is skilled at betrayal and torture and damnation.

The details surrounding both my marriage and subsequent filing for divorce are private, and I had hoped to keep them that way for the sake of my family.

Why is it so hard for people to believe that white people are poor?! I wouldn’t say I lived in a ghetto; I’d say I lived in the ‚hood. The same friends I had back then are the same people on tour with me now.

It’s hard for anybody who’s been with me not to feel starved for affection when I’m making love to my ideas. Maybe it’s not meant for me to settle down and be married.

Marriage is a school itself. Also, having children. Becoming a father changed my whole life. It taught me as if by revelation.

It’s rare for anyone to value the opinions of a teenage girl.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

I learned a great many years ago that in a fight between husband and wife, a third party should never get between the woman’s skillet and the man’s ax-helve.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

There are plenty of people who are, I think, completely racist who love hip-hop.

Clever and attractive women do not want to vote; they are willing to let men govern as long as they govern men.

Never take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

People who bowl vote. Bowlers are not the cultural elite.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

Whenever I say I made a record in the garage, people just assume that I have, like, a Lear jet parked in there or something. But really there’s old luggage, a couple of bikes. It’s big enough to put one minivan in. That’s it. No dartboard. I’m so not macho.

Perhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is Intelligent Life in Outer Space is the fact it hasn’t come here. Well, it can’t hide forever – one day we will overhear it.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

I met my husband before I became a star, and he doesn’t care about any of it.