You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

Social media can be very effective in creating movements. In the beginning, that is how I first got attention.

Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.

Life being very short, and the quiet hours of it few, we ought to waste none of them in reading valueless books.

It’s a fundamental, social attitude that the 1% supports symphonies and operas and doesn’t support Johnny learning to program hip-hop beats. When I put it like that, it sounds like, ‚Well, yeah,‘ but you start to think, ‚Why not, though?‘ What makes one more valuable than another?

My share of the work may be limited, but the fact that it is work makes it precious.

A mother defends herself with a heart filled with love before doing so with words. I wonder whether there is any love for the church in the hearts of those who pay so much attention to the scandals.

Politics is applesauce.

To have done anything just for money is to have been truly idle.

You will be as much value to others as you have been to yourself.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win.

I think the notion that we have all the democracy that money can buy strays so far from what our democracy is supposed to be.

When I chased after money, I never had enough. When I got my life on purpose and focused on giving of myself and everything that arrived into my life, then I was prosperous.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

For I can raise no money by vile means.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

As everything becomes digitized, there’s the idea that things that can’t be digitized become more valuable.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If cash comes with fame, come fame; if cash comes without fame, come cash.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

Price is what you pay. Value is what you get.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

Freedom is never dear at any price. It is the breath of life. What would a man not pay for living?

Of course, I do everything for money.

I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

A vigorous temper is not altogether an evil. Men who are easy as an old shoe are generally of little worth.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

The money can be a hindrance to someone like me because the danger is that you start thinking, ‚Is that a $20 million take?‘ That kind of thing, and being self-critical.

The more cats you have, the longer you live. If you have a hundred cats, you’ll live 10 times longer than if you have 10. Someday this will be discovered, and people will have a thousand cats and live forever. It’s truly ridiculous.

Money is a strange business. People who haven’t got it aim it strongly. People who have are full of troubles.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Money for me today does not really matter.

I’ve never been that much of a money guy. I’m more of a film guy, and most of the money I’ve made is in defense of trying to keep creative control of my movies.

Laughter is America’s most important export.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

Every once in a while I get the highly inappropriate proposal which is like, ‚Wow, Really! You don’t even know me and I don’t know you at all, and you want that to happen? Tonight? Ok, I get off work at 7.30.‘

I don’t have time to be lonely. And I get fearful of relationships because I feel guilty about wanting someone to be completely faithful and loyal, when I can’t even give them 10 percent of the attention that they need. It’s just the reality of my time, my life, my schedule.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

I actually do think you’re seeing this trend towards organizations just caring more about their brand and engaging. And so I think Home Depot will want to humanize itself. I think that’s a lot of why companies are starting blogs, are just giving more insight into what’s going on with them.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

I have so much in my life. I want to be of value to the world.