You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‚The Colour of Magic‘ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‚The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.‘

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‚Yes,‘ you know he is a crook.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‚What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!‘

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

I’m a meathead, man. You’ve got smart people, and you’ve got dumb people. I just happen to be dumb.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

Ice-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal.

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

Perhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is Intelligent Life in Outer Space is the fact it hasn’t come here. Well, it can’t hide forever – one day we will overhear it.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

My daughter doesn’t even get my humor. She’s like, ‚Um, no. I don’t get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.‘

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.