Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.
Erma BombeckFrisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George CarlinIf you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.
Erma BombeckThere are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
Will RogersIf a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
Erma BombeckI have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!
Abby Lee MillerBigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar WildeAll genuinely intellectual work is humorous.
George Bernard ShawCut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.
F. Scott FitzgeraldMy absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.
Douglas AdamsWhenever I say I made a record in the garage, people just assume that I have, like, a Lear jet parked in there or something. But really there’s old luggage, a couple of bikes. It’s big enough to put one minivan in. That’s it. No dartboard. I’m so not macho.
Dave GrohlI didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.
Dave GrohlOf all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.
J. K. RowlingNever injure a friend, even in jest.
Marcus Tullius CiceroBeing a stand-up is my mission in life; it’s my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.
Jerry SeinfeldWhat if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody AllenA lot of people think I’m a comedian.
Dolly PartonI’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.
Angelina JolieNothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.
Johann Wolfgang von GoetheI won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
Groucho MarxAgainst the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.
Mark TwainSince the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.
Anthony BourdainIt’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.
Billy GrahamI had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven WrightOK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Steven WrightThe French complain of everything, and always.
Napoleon BonaparteI must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘
Terry PratchettI hate to be smart.
Paulo CoelhoMy kids are the funniest two human beings there are.
Kevin HartThere’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven WrightA lot of truth is said in jest.
EminemI don’t think comedy will ever die.
Kevin HartI don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.
Marilyn MonroeBelieve it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.
Kevin HartIn Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Woody AllenWith all singers, insecurity is your best security. That’s why we’re such loud people and why we walk all funny. You think, ‚Are people interested?‘ But I think our band has something and they know we don’t just put albums out. We do think about it.
BonoFunny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.
Jerry SeinfeldWriters are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.
John SteinbeckIf my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.
Isaac AsimovEverything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
Mark TwainHell is full of musical amateurs.
George Bernard ShawWe’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.
J. K. RowlingIs it weird in here, or is it just me?
Steven WrightWhen I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny YoungmanFor my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven WrightI would never win an award for not loving pizza.
Dwayne JohnsonBeing a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
Jerry SeinfeldIf you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!
Marilyn MonroePeople are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘
Dolly PartonCauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
Mark TwainI like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
Steven WrightIt’s a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I’d be a drag queen.
Dolly PartonIf you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.
Will RogersPerhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is Intelligent Life in Outer Space is the fact it hasn’t come here. Well, it can’t hide forever – one day we will overhear it.
Arthur C. ClarkeAs the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Woody AllenYou might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.
Kevin HartWhen I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘
Dolly PartonMy roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.
Steven WrightWhy, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Groucho MarxI’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.
Jerry Seinfeld